Melvin was watering his hibiscus one day when he crushed the nozzle in his bare hand.

"I w-w-wonder wh-what's going on here!" Melvin mustered in his minute head. "I mus be som kinda supa-hero." And then it began. Melvin began to discover his super powers one by one, almost by accident. Melvin realized his super speed when he ran down a Buick to return a cigarette butt that was thrown out on the highway. The driver swerved when Melvin reached his hand in the car, then he ran into a tree, killing himself and all six passengers. (This goes to prove that smoking kills.) Next, Melvin found out his high jumping ability. He was playing basketball at the "Y" with his other "special" friends. He pulled up for a jump shot, and conked his head on the ceiling of the gym. Unfortunately, Melvin found he didn't have super blood-clotting. Melvin suffered from a massive head contusion and a slight concussion, and he decided it was time to serve the world.

Melvin's first heroic actwell he kind of stumbled on it....literally. Melvin was walking down the street when he tripped. Surprised, Melvin turned around to see what he had stumbled on when he saw a young man with his arm stuck in a drain on the street. Melvin quickly forgot about his falling and ran to help the boy. Melvin bent down to yank the boy's arm free, but he no sooner bent down, when a bus came and careened into Melvin's super large fanny. Melvin only partially freed the boy though. he pulled up a chunk of asphalt about 2 foot in diameter. The boy's arm was still in the drain, but now he had to carry around this piece of asphalt. As for the bus, it blew up because it went under....OH, I'm sorry, different story, the bus is fine.

Melvin went around for about two years attempting to rescue people, only to mess everything up, but at least he was trying. Then one day, an evil scientist found out Melvin's weakness. The scientist got his hands on some of Melvin's blood from the unfortunate "Y" accident. From Melvin's DNA, the scientist, Dr. Malpractice Suit, discovered Melvin's weakness. Poor old Melvin's weakness was of all things MILK!

Dr. Suit then went on a crime spree. He hit all of the biggest banks and convenience stores on the lower east side. When Melvin arrived to stop him, Dr. Suit Took out his squirt gun filled with 2% homogenized and sprayed down our hero. Melvin went into serious convulsions. Through the drama, Melvin managed to spit out, "Y'all is neva gonna git away wit dis!"

"Oh, but I will!" said Dr. Suit. "Just you wait." A passer-by who witnessed the incident quickly grabbed a bucket of water and doused Melvin. Jumping right up, Melvin did what every super hero would do in this situation: he went to see his mother.

After explaining his predicament, good old mom went right to work on an anti-milk suit. After she sewed for about five hours, Mrs. Martin finished the bright yellow Polyester leisure suit, (Model No. 65879). Melvin was now ready to once again meet his arch enemy. Dr. Suit was waiting for Melvin this time.

"Ah, back for more you half witted twit?!" asked Dr. Suit.

"Um, I, um, uh, I think so," replied Melvin.

"Well, come and get some!" exclaimed Dr. Suit.

"Uh, O.K." answered Melvin, and the battle was on. Dr. Suit tried to spray Melvin, this time with Vitamin A & D added whole milk. But, luckily, Melvin's suit worked.

"What the devil is happening?" Dr. Suit cried.

"I g-g-got me an anti-milk leisure suit on!" chuckled our hero.

Melvin then grabbed the evil villain and brought him to the big house. Dr. Suit was also wanted in court by some of his ex-patients. Melvin saved the city! He was a hero!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: ANYONE CAN BE A SUPER HERO EVEN IF YOU ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT.