Pearl River Community College's award winning literary magazine

Special Edition—Spring-Summer 1998

Special Section

MCCCWC entry—one act play division

Plain Spacey

by Charles P. Cummings
 
 
 

Billy Bob- A small town redneck in his early 30's

Junior- A small town redneck in his early 30's

Sheriff- A large man in his late 50's

Deputy- A foolish acting man in his early 20's

Reporter- An average man in his early 40's

Government agent #1- A mysterious man in his late 50's

Government agent #2- A mysterious man in his early 30's
 

Setting- A small town, somewhere in Virginia
 
 

Scene I. (An open field in the middle of the country side. Billy Bob and Junior are sitting on the tailgate of their pickup truck,

drinking moonshine, and trying to hunt.)
 

Billy Bob- Quit hogging the moonshine you idiot.
 

Junior- (handing Billy Bob the bottle) I ain't hogging it. Maybe you should shut up and keep an eye out for an animal to shoot.
 

Billy Bob- We been sittin' here for three hours, and I ain't seen nothin yet. Maybe we should move to another spot.
 

Junior- This spot will do just fine. Quit whining like a little girl and keep your eyes peeled.
 
 
 

Billy Bob- Shut up, and hand me back the bottle. (As he is taking the bottle from Junior, he notices an object in the sky.) Holy

hog spit! Junior, do you see that?
 

Junior- What the hell's wrong with you? You are sure acting crazy. I think I will hang on to the bottle for now. You've had enough.
 

Billy Bob- Lookie there! I see some lights in the sky. It looks like it's coming right for us.
 

Junior-I don't see no lights.
 

Billy Bob- It's way off in the distance. You see it?
 

Junior- Well, I'll be. I do see it. I can't make out what it is though. It's heading towards the ground. Billy Bob, it just crashed behind those trees on the other side of the field!
 

Billy Bob- I bet one of my best roosters it's one of those alien b*******, like on the T.V. My friend John Lee, from Arkansas, said they stole him from his bed one night, and took him to their space ship where they done sexual things to him. The next morning he woke up in a pig pin.
 

Junior- They ain't gonna do that to me. That's for sure!
 

Billy Bob-What makes you so sure that aliens from the space saucer ain't gonna come after us. You seen em crash over yonder didn't you? Them sons of b***** must be here to try and invade our great state of Virginia.
 

Junior-Well, I got five buckshot reasons right here in my shotgun why they better not come a messin" with us, or my state.
 

Billy Bob-We better go get the Sheriff and have him get out here fast, cause this can't be good. Look! I can see them

b******* movin' over in the woods where their ship went down. (He is now yelling towards the woods) I see you! You alien b*******!
 

Junior-I don't like this at all. Quick, get in the truck. Let's get out of here.
 
 

Scene ii. (Billy Bob and Junior arrive at the Sheriff's office. They begin to bang on the door while screaming about an invasion.)
 

Deputy- (He wakes up and runs to open the door.) What in the world is going on out here? Billy Bob? Junior? What kind of invasion are you to dummies talking about?
 

Billy Bob-Deputy, you got to call and wake up the Sheriff.
 

Junior- Yeah! Tell him that we are being attacked.
 

Deputy- Attacked! Is it those damn communists? I just knew it was oniy a matter of time before they would try and attack.
 

Billy Bob: No deputy! It ain't the commies. It's those alien b******* from outer space.
 

Junior- It's horrible deputy. We saw them crash out in the field.
 

Deputy-You mean to tell me we are under attack by little, green men from outer space.
 

Billy Bob-Yes! That's what we been trying to tell you.
 

Deputy- (Laughing aloud) That's the plumb craziest thing I've ever heard. Hold on a minute... (He begins to sniff their breath) Have you boys been drinking? I should have known better with the likes of you two.
 

Junior- Well.. .Uh. . .we had a sip or two.
 

Billy Bob-We ain't that drunk. We know what we saw.
 

Deputy-I tell you what fellas. If you promise to go on home, and sleep off your intoxications, I will not arrest you two for being stupid.
 

(The deputy is now pushing them towards and out the door.)
 

Billy Bob-You'll see! You are going to be sorry when they attack, and you didn't take our advice.
 

(Deputy closes the door)
 

Deputy- (To himself) Man alive! Those boys are nuts.
 
 
 

Scene iii. (Billy Bob's living room.)
 

Billy Bob-I don't know about you Junior, but I ain't waiting around here to be killed off by those alien b*******.
 

Junior- What are we going to do?
 

Billy Bob-Let's just say I've been doing some reading and I know exactly who to call. You can say they are experts in this field, and I bet they will send someone out here to help us.
 

Junior- you gonna call someone from the government?
 

Billy Bob-Hell No! Junior, if you weren't my sister's husband, and my favorite cousin, I'd swear, I'd skin you alive. You should know you can't trust no one at the government.
 

Junior- Then who are you going to call?
 

Billy Bob-Junior, I'm going to call someone at the National Enquirer. That's right my friend, someone we can turn to during a crisis. Someone that will report the truth.
 

Junior- I'm sure glad you are the smart one in the family.
 
 
 

Scene iv. (Billy Bob, Junior, and a reporter from the Enquirer are in the field the next day.)
 

Reporter-Gentlemen, I rushed here as fast as I could. Now let me get this straight; you say you saw a U.F.O.?
 

Billy Bob-I don't know about no U.F.O., but we saw some alien sons of b****** crash over behind those trees.
 

Junior- Yep! They crashed last night, and we called as soon as we could. Billy Bob said that you people would know exactly what to do, because we think they waitin' over yonder, planning their attack.
 

Billy Bob-Where's your gun, Yankee boy? I can't believe you came out here without no gun. No matter, I got enough ammo here to kill every deer in the state, and anything else that might come our way.
 

Reporter-If you guys can prove you saw an alien spaceship, and it did crash over there in the woods, you will definitely get a lot of publicity out of this. You will be famous. All we have to do is get pictures of the ship and the aliens, and we are talking front page news. My boss will pay you top dollar for this story.
 

Junior- Don't worry, Yankee man. We'll get you those aliens.
 

Reporter- Hold on. Before we go any further, I want you to give me a detailed description of what we are going to find. Can you give me a description of the spaceship? What did the aliens look like?
 

Billy Bob-It all happened so fast. I didn't get a good visual of it, but I know a spaceship when I see one.
 

Reporter- Was the spaceship silver with bright flashing lights? Did it hover in the sky?
 

Junior- All we saw was a flash of light and heard "KABOOM".
 

Billy Bob-(Elbowing Junior in the gut) Shut the hell up, Junior. Maybe if you hadn't of hogged all of the moonshine you would've seen what I seen. That's right, Yankee boy. It was all that stuff you said.
 

Junior-(Agreeing with Billy Bob) Oh yeah, I remember now. It was all lit-up and shiny. I was a baby with a shiny set of keys in my face, all mesmerized like.
 

Billy Bob-(Pointing to Junior) It don't take much to mesmerize that idiot. (He pauses) So when do we get some money?
 

(Two cars come pulling up at a high rate of speed.)
 

(The Sheriff, the Deputy, and two agents with the government walk up.)
 

Sheriff- What are you people doing out here?
 

Junior-We are here to head off the attack, Sheriff The Yankee man is here to photo us and make us famous.
 

Billy Bob-That's right! So don't try to come in now and take our fame away from us. We tried to tell your deputy last night.
 

Deputy-I told you they were nuts, Sheriff.
 

Sheriff- Hold on a minute! Do you boys realize that you are talking crazy? Word of this has spread all over town, and people are scared. These men are here from the government, and they have heard all about your story. They are here to investigate.
 

Billy Bob- Not no, but hell no! We have our own investigator, and we are mighty satisfied with him.
 

Agent # 2- Sir, we are not here to steal you fame. If in fact you saw a U.F.O., it is a matter of national security, and it is our responsibility to investigate. We would like you to show us the exact location where this object

went down.
 

Billy Bob- We'll show you, but if you ain't got no gun you might want to walk behind me and Junior.
 

Sheriff- Just shut up and lead the way.
 

(They walk across the field to the woods.)
 

Billy Bob- Lookie there!
 

Junior- It crashed right over there and made a huge crater in the ground.
 

Billy Bob- (Diving behind a tree) Take cover! Them b******* have got to be around here somewhere.
 

Reporter- It is not a space ship.
 

Deputy- What is it Sheriff?
 

Sheriff- The reporter is right, it is not a space ship, it looks like a huge container of some sort. It must have been holding some sort of colored liquid. The woods is covered with it. From the horrible smell out here, I would say it was holding raw sewage. How in the world would this have fallen from the sky?
 

Agent #1- You are correct with your assessment, Sheriff. This looks like a sewage container from a commercial airliner. Planes usually drop these things off over the ocean. It must have been ejected accidentally over this field. That would explain why you gentlemen said you saw lights in the sky. It must have been from the plane. I think along with the combination of alcohol and darkness, someone out here was mistaken with what he claims he saw. This happens quite often.
 

Sheriff- That makes a whole lot of sense to me. I can't believe you boys went hog wild over an airplane dropping some waste.

Aliens, ha! What is this world coming to?
 

(Agent #2's cellular telephone rings. He steps to the side to answer it.)
 

Junior-I know I saw me a space ship.
 

Billy Bob- This must be some kind of cover-up. There's aliens around here somewhere. Come on Junior, lets get out of here.
 

(Billy Bob and Junior exit.)
 

Sheriff- Deputy, go call the sanitation department, and tell them to get right out here, and clean this mess up. There is s*** everywhere.
 

Deputy- Yes, sir!
 

(Deputy exits.)
 

Reporter- Well, I guess that's all for me.
 

Sheriff- I can't believe you waste your time reporting on this stuff.
 

Reporter- It seemed better than going to Indiana talking to some more nuts that have been abducted. It seems that oniy people from Indiana living in trailer parks gets abducted now a days..
 

(Agent #2 ends his conversation on the cellular phone and rejoins the group.)
 

Sheriff- Well, you gentlemen have a nice day. I am going home where it is safe. If any more drunk idiots with guns start saying that they have seen some more aliens, call me.
 

Reporter-I guess it is back to the trailer parks for me.
 

(Both the Sheriff and the reporter exit.)
 

(Both of the agents are standing in the field by themselves.)
 

Agent #2- Boss, Alpha team just checked in. They have brought the space ship and the dead crew's bodies to the rendezvous. They are waiting for further instructions.
 

Agent #1- Excellent, we can be there in ten minutes.
 

Agent #2- FLIPITZ NORBE GORDUS SHABOOTZ!
 

Agent #1-I have told you before. While we are on planet earth we must speak English. We don't want to blow our cover; Our mission here is too important. But what you said is right. They are a bunch of inbred hillbillies. GORDUS SHABOOTZ,

indeed!
 

(Curtains close as both men walk toward the car laughing.)